


Crack Ship

by Dodger_Bunny



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Hope it's good, I'm nervous, M/M, Noir learns things, Slow Burn, hamnoir - Freeform, this is my first story on this site
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 15:58:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18641353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dodger_Bunny/pseuds/Dodger_Bunny
Summary: Ham's got it bad. Noir's oblivious. So let's see how long it takes our heros to put two and two together, shall we?





	1. Slacking off (Apparently)

"Oh my gawd, you did not just say you ship YanSmith. That is such a total crack ship!"

Porker had been shuffling through his recent batch of Spider-Ham photos, all Jay Jonah Jackal rejects, (despite them getting his good side) when the following conversation perked up his ears.

"Crack ship?" He wondered in his head.

Though he wouldn't have to wonder for long.

"Wow first off, rude. Second, were you asleep for the first ten minuets? Because Dr. Yan was totally flirting with him! Just like I told you was gonna happen!"

"But they're completely wrong for each other! Dr. Yan is a serious no nonsense tough as nails doctor, and Tobey? He's a complete goof-ball."

"Ouch,"

"Yeah, he makes her laugh! He's the Rodger Rabbit to her Jessica."

"It's not gonna happen Jen. Not. Gonna. Happen."

"I don't need this kind of negativity in my life." The other girl playfully huffed, "If you need me, I'll be at my desk. Eating two soggy muffins. Because they're gonna have tears in em' Barb. And I'm blaming you."

"Aw dude, but I want one of your muffins. You promised!" She mock cried out chasing the other girl down.

The break room fell quiet once they'd left. There were a few stragglers hanging around the vending machines, but Porker was the only one sat at the tables still eating lunch. Leaving him with nothing better to do than think. Which was always a horrible idea. Because then he'd think about Noir, and the conversation from earlier did nothing to reassure him. Ham had often thought of his own romantic chances. There's the saying opposites attract, but maybe he was pushing it. Maybe they were just a-

*BZZZ*

Just then his phones hopper app pinged in his pocket (because how does one not go about changing the term trans dimensional gate app to hopper and still call themselves a spider-person?). Their spider family had managed to design it together within the span of two weeks. After all with some of the brightest, minds this side of the multiverse, it was a cake walk. Noir had to be taught quantum physics (Ham made the best teacher) but even he learned it like it was two plus two. You had to be smart to be a spider, and while strongly prone to bouts of stupidity (their actual weakness. Other than bug spray. And lasers. And bullets. And being crushed to dea- actually scratch that. How were they even still alive? They were vulnerable to everything!) Their intellect was their true super power.

He checked his phone to find a message from Noir.

"Speak of the handsome devil himself," Ham mumbled happily.

On the phones' screen, was a text,

"You freeze"

Another buzz.

"No freeze"

And then another buzz.

"Dam it I said freeze not free you stupid thing I thought you were supposed to write what I was saying"

Ham stared hopelessly smitten towards his screen. Noir knew how to text. It was his gloves again. They were too thick for him to be able to text properly so he had Peni show him how to use voice to text. It always gummed up his texts and Ham found it increasingly amusing how frustrated it made the grizzled detective. It was adorable, and picturing Noir ripping his glove off in frustration with his teeth, something he's done plenty of times, was a thought his imagination was more than happy to produce. Hams' heart felt like putty, and the one gooing it all up wasn't even here. Did Noir have that effect on him or was he just that easy? Ham really hoped it wasn't the latter. At least for the sake of his Porker pride.

Finally he managed to get a message that wasn't garbled by text to speech, but before he could send back a reply Jonah was already stomping up to his break table.

"Porker!" His boss bellowed.

"Ah- Yes Mr. Jackal?" The reporter stammered.

"What are you still doing here?"

He had just sat down not even five minutes ago after having his work rejected by this jackal, and already Jonah was hounding him around.

"Talk about working like a dog, but that's what I get for working at the Daily Beagle." Ham thought bitterly to himself.

"... It's my lunch break sir?" He attempted to explain.

Jonah didn't approve of that, glaring the pig down.

"Fishterio is sucking up all the fish is Central Pork and you're on your lunch break? What am I paying you for?! Certainly not your punctuality or else I would have fired you years ago!"

"You wouldn't have had a job to fire me from years ago if it weren't for me." The toon sassed in his head, thinking of all the times he'd saved Jonah's sorry hide.

"I'm on it Mr. Jackal." He'd actually said aloud, like a person who wanted to keep their day job would say.

Thinking of Jonah, being electrocuted by Ducktor Doom and forced to play rock music for a horde of angry kangaroos was such a happy place for his thoughts. Unfortunately he never even got the chance to get up on stage. Shame too. Would have been funny seeing him have to play that, "obnoxious racket" himself. Ham wiped the crumbs of his half eaten sandwich off of his face and stood to his feet.

"Guess it's back to work,"

Before he packed up the rest of his things he sent Noir a quick text letting him know he wouldn't be long. The response he got back made him melt all over again.

"Alpaca lunch if you're hungry."

This man. Never had a pig felt so understood.

"Porker, get off your phone!" Jonah scolded, hopping up and down with his fists clenched. "You can check your insta book face whatzits on your own time! Now get out there and get me pictures! On the double!"

"Y-yes sir!"

He'd get going alright. After all Spider-Ham had a job to do. And an interdimensional detective to see afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. My first ever story on Ao3. What a ride. I've fallen in love with these two, and I don't care if it's weird. I'm just gonna do as I do and we're all going to have fun here. That's the plan. D.B. Out!


	2. How Could This Happen To My Watch

Noir fell to his knees. Nothing could contain his sorrow. Misery overwhelmed him. Peter Benjamin Parker had never known true grief. Until this very moment. He just lost... he lost... his favorite watch. The damned thing just popped off and broke. Scattered into tiny little unfixable pieces. True. It didn't hold any real value. He didn't receive it from anyone special, or have it passed onto him but... he really liked that watch.... and now his wrist was slightly cold.

"H-how could this happen to me? Sure I made my mistakes but-"

His very serious heartfelt monologue was interrupted by a snort. 

"I'm sorry, what?"

Beside him stood Peter B. who at one point was attempting to help the poor man up, before rudely trying to stifle laughter, of all things. Couldn't he see Noir was in mourning?

"Did he just quote Simple Plan?" Gwen asked, also mocking him with laughter.

Noir looked over to Miles, if anyone would have sympathy... but the boy was looking away and also trying not to laugh. 

"This is Betrayal." Noir said, more to himself.

 

***

 

The rest of their shopping trip went by with Peter B. and Gwen teasing and prodding the monochrome man. Until eventually they began to sing his monologue at him. What compelled them to do that was beyond him and now he was even more confused. How did they manage to compose a whole chorus out of a simple sentence? Even Miles was singing along. Now he knew they were hiding something from him. As they returned to Mays, with the restock of groceries, Noir knew he needed a man, or well pig, on the inside. This was clearly some sort of modern day conspiracy and he was going to get to the bottom of it.

He found Ham relaxing into the arm of the couch with, what were they called; ear buds, in his floppy ears listening to something on his phone. Noir almost didn't want to disturb him, but this was kind of important. He grabbed his shoulder and shook lightly.

"Whazit- whozit huh!?" He incoherently muttered

"Hey Ham, need to ask you somethin'. You busy?"

Porker was only slightly startled as he popped out one of his ear buds to listen to Noir. The sound coming out of the tiny speaker sounded familiar, but he'd ask later.

"Well, you have my attention I suppose. What's on your mind, Casanova?"

"Does the phrase, "How could this happen to me?" mean something different than what I think it means? Or are those three just crazy?"

It was only then that Ham took notice of the three in the kitchen singing about how they were sick of this life and the cogs connected.

"What did you do Noir?" He asked, almost accusingly.

"My watch broke." He replied, defensively, "... and maybe I over reacted."

"Oh my poor color blind friend. You over reacted, big time." The pig replied patting the others head.

"So what is it exactly that they're doing?" The detective finally questioned.

"They're singing How Could This Happen to Me, by Simple Plan. It's a song in the distant future of 2004."

"What are the odds of them letting it go?"

"You're lookin' at slim to never."

Noir plopped the small swine on top of himself so that he could dramatically slide down the couch and sigh.

"I know what you're thinking, but asking yourself how this could have happened to you is most certainly not a good idea right now." Ham helpfully reminded him, as he curled more comfortably onto Noirs' softly rising chest.

In a bid to distract himself from the mess he had mistakenly started in the kitchen, Noir decided to change the subject.

"So, ah- what are you listening to?"

`That seemed to fluster the pig on top of him because it looked like he was trying to scroll away from what was playing.

"Oh, this? It's nothing. Really, you wouldn't want to listen to it. Absolutely boring."

Before Ham could switch it to something else, Noir lifted his mask past his face, (that seemed to distract Ham on it's own fairly well) grabbed the other dangling ear bud, and slipped it into his ear. That familiar music. Familiar, but new. He didn't think he'd heard this song before and yet. That style. It was definitely jazz. The sort of jazz he knew from back home.

"Ham, what is this? I didn't know you liked this kind of music." Noir said pleasantly surprised.

"Well I've uh, been wanting to broaden my tastes a little. That's all." 

It sounded like a bullet dodge, but Noir was more curious to see if he could pinpoint the song, maybe he had heard it before, but when?

"I took a sip, from my devil's cup. Slowly-"

Then he remembered.

"Devil's cup? Hey! That's from that one canary, what was her name? Miss Brittany Spears? But that's not from my time. At least I didn't think so." He mulled over.

"No it's not, it's a cover." 

"Cover?" The man on the couch questioned.

"It's a song originally sung by one person then sung by someone else." The pig on the man answered.

"Huh, well this cover sounds downright darb."

"What?" Ham laughed, confused.

"That doesn't mean something different now too, does it?" Noir asked, smiling nervously.

"Pete, I have never even heard that word in all my natural born life. Darb? What does darb mean?"

"Just means that it's good." He answered, a little more than happy to hear his real name for once.

"Are there more songs like this?" Noir asked, lifting his head up to get a better view of Hams' screen.

"Oh sure! In fact, " He answered, leaning back so that Noir wouldn't have to sit at an awkward angle, much to the others appreciation. " this whole channel is dedicated to taking modern songs and reworking them to sound like oldies."

"Really now,"

This gave him an idea.

 

***

Two weeks later and Miles, Gwen and Peter B. were still belting out How Could This Happen to Me whenever Noir walked by. He had to wait patiently through those two long excruciating weeks but it would be worth it. He was going to come out on top of this. It was Peni's turn to pick the family outing and Noir was able to convince her to forgo the dancing game, for a request she had been waiting months for.

"What made you change your mind?" She asked completely giddy, as she pushed buttons on SP//dr Noir hadn't the slightest idea how to comprehend.

"My desire for revenge has overwhelmed my stage fright." He answered simply.

"That works for me!" She agreed, setting up whatever it was the futures technology was capable of doing.

"You almost done setting up Peni? I've got first dibs!" Gwen called out from the kitchen table. 

Peter B. and Ham were arguing over who should get the last slice of pizza, even though the last slice was literally vegetarian for obvious reasons. While Miles kept trying to slice it in half so they'd stop arguing.

"Hey, " Miles interjected, "Why do you get first dibs? I already have a song picked out too."

"One because I called it. And two, because I know all the lyrics to my song, mumble boy."

"Ooh.. Hey Miles, May keeps the aloe vera in the top shelf right-"

"Don't you even dare." Miles replied, pointing the pizza cutter threateningly.

Peter B. turned his attention back to the box only to find it empty. He turned his head over to Ham who, while cartoonishly chewing his food in that classic puffed up cheek fashion, simply shrugged having already ate half of the last slice.

"I just realized I'm not really hungry after all. You can have the last slice if you want." Porker replied, tossing the half eaten slice back into the box.

"You did that on purpose, I know it."

"All set up in here! Come on guys, I've been waiting for this my whole life!"

Everyone began to gather in the living room taking their seats at the couch and chairs. Noir sat on the main sofa, this time of course with a little more consideration for the others taking up only one cushion. When this was over, he was going to sprawl himself completely out on the couch. Sitting normally was really awkward with his longer legs.

"You're whole life?" Peter B. retorted as he took up a recliner, "Kid you're like twelve."

"Fourteen!" She corrected, "And it's been fourteen years too many! So lets get this karaoke started."

As Ham trotted into the living room, looking for a place to sit, Noir quickly pulled him onto his lap. No sense in him having to scour out a seat when everyone else was already sat down. Just common sense. Porker quickly covered his face with his hands. Noir wasn't sure why he did that from time to time. He just as soon wasn't about to ask. Even if Ham seemed to do that... a lot. Noir wouldn't pry. He was sure Ham had his reasons. He'd tell him if it was important. He always did.

As Gwen's song began, a song called Rapture by Blondie, Noir slowly began to coax Ham out of his self made cocoon. Wrapping his arms around the swine usually did the trick and it seemed it was working again. Still, he leaned down so that he was close to his ear and quietly asked him if he was okay with it.

"Yeah, it's fine." He answered.

Ham leaned back comfortably, nuzzling back into Noirs' chest and the grey scaled man nearly forgot why they were gathered into the living room in the first place. He continued to forget for the next two songs, just sitting on the couch with a pig in a blanket. An image he really hoped someone took a picture of. He'd do it himself but he still doesn't know how to text, let alone take a photo. Eventually Peni called out his name and Noir realized his mission.

Regrettably he had to move Ham.

"I'm up," Noir announced.

"Already?"

He seemed disappointed at the prospect of moving. 

"Don't give me that look, doll. I'll come back when I'm done." He'd wanted to say aloud, but he was sure Ham wouldn't appreciate it.

"I'll be right back. Hang tight I won't glaum the stage for long."

"You can't keep saying words you know I won't understand."

"Oh, you'll understand when I'm done."

Noir left Ham to think about that while he ascended to the make shift stage, which was just the small space in front of the T.V. on the other side of the coffee table. Now that he thought about it this was the worst part of the living room to be in. Why was the stage smaller than the space for the audience? He missed the couch.

"Alright, we're all set. Tell us when." Peni announced.

Gwen pointed his way and whispered something to Miles and the other looked like he was trying not to laugh.

"When."

Noir has never had a stage presence. Unless you counted soap boxes, and even then it was his Uncle and Aunt that did the lobbying. He always seemed to take to the side line role quite naturally. That was, when he was just Peter Benjamin Parker. The Spider-Man, however, was a different story. On the headlines of every newspaper, the big talk of the town, taking out every dip, wrong number highbinder, and off the track copper. Everyone in the Big Apple knew The Spider-Man.

But he wasn't The Spider-Man right now. He wasn't even Peter Parker. He was just Noir, and he was okay with that. Yeah, he was quite alright with that.

The music had gotten to the first verse, and he began to sing. The jazzy cover seemed to throw the three of them off, Gwen, Miles and Peter B. didn't notice anything familiar about the song that was playing. Of course with as many times as they've stuck with the chorus he doubted they even knew all the lyrics. Peni was paying attention well enough and seemed to approve, while Ham just stared. That awestruck look on his face must be because he's caught on to what Noir was doing. It was just what he needed to boost his confidence and really make this song his own. He was getting to the chorus.

"-And I can't stand the pain. And I can't make it go away. No I can't stand the pain."

Just then their eyes began to light up. Everyone knew. They knew what he was doing and they sang along.

"HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME! I'VE MADE MY MISTAKES. GOT NOWHERE TO RUN, THE NIGHT GOES ON AS I'M FADING AWAY. I'M SICK OF THIS LIFE! I JUST WANNA SCREAM! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME!!!"

By this point, everyone was laughing too hard to continue singing. The absurdity of the moment had caught up with them, though not everyone was amused. From out of the basement, stepped Aunt May, looking as if she was the one adult stuck in a Teletubbies concert. The poor woman looked exhausted and it was then that Noir realized that he wasn't the only one that had to go through this for the past two weeks. 

"How much longer are you kids gonna keep singing that song? Honestly, are you trying to kill me? I can feel my lifespan draining." 

Even with the group upstairs not in on her poker game, May still kept her cards tucked in close to her folded arms and out of view. She was leaned against the frame of the doorway leading into the kitchen. Her stern expression was not to be challenged, and with that the song was abruptly ended. As she made her way back down the stairs Noir could faintly hear her saying something about loving her kids and wanting to strangle them all in the same breath. 

It was silent for a moment as the spider family quietly looked at one another, lips drawn tight until they had completely thrown themselves back into a fit of laughs and snickers. 

"Hey, Noir. Sorry for roasting you so hard for the past two weeks," Gwen apologized.

"It's alright. There were never any hard feelings." Noir expressed.

"Peni said you had a desire for revenge." Miles remarked, a little uneased.

"My humor can be quite dead-pan." He explained.

Peter B. Slung his arm around Noir, as he smiled widely at his grey counterpart.

"That was awesome! Pulled a fast one making it sound all old timey. Nice. B.t.w.,"

"Really Peter- you can't be bothered to say "by the way" you had to shorten; by the way?" Gwen teased.

"By. The. Way." Peter B. enunciated slowly, just to get on his alternate bff nerves, " You have a really smooth singing voice, was what I was trying to say before the child over here interrupted me."

"Thanks," He replied, thought he wasn't sure if anyone heard it through the new back and fourth that had started.

He looked down to see that Ham was standing in front of him beside the coffee table. Noir outstretched an hand and the pig took it, climbing up his arm and seating himself on a monochrome shoulder.

"Now if glaum means you brought the house down, then I guess you really nailed it on the head huh, handsome?"

Handsome? That was a new one. He was sure with his scared up face he was long past the point of handsome. Noir could feel Ham freezing up on his shoulder. 

"Listen I-"

"Thanks, that means a lot commin' from you, doll."

Noir may not be able to tell the difference between green and blue, but he sure as hell could tell pink from red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that was me referencing Postmodern Jukebox and no... there isn't a cover as of the time of this writing of How Could This Happen To Me by Simple Plan. fyi expect more music in the future~ D.B. Out!


	3. Cookies and Hogwash

Picture the perfect domestic setting. Something nice and cozy. A real stay at home kind of vibe, you know? Completely casual. Well through that image out the window because it's nothing compared to visiting your beloved adoptive aunt with the guy you've had a crush on for almost four months.

Ham rang the doorbell again, and looked up at the serious and out of place black and white man in his colorful cartoony world. He didn't have on his mask, which was always nice, and considering that he was a human in an animal world he really didn't need one. Weirdly, some people even considered he was wearing a human mask, though that was probably for the best. The last thing he needed was for his universe to turn on it's head in a disheveled uproar discovering that humans were real.

"How do they know about humans in your world?" Noir had asked earlier.

"I'd like to say, "cartoon logic" but I actually don't know and I'm afraid to ask." Ham explained offhandedly.

He felt nervous. What if this was a bad idea? Like running before walking? Or crawling in his case. Ham hadn't even given Noir the slightest clue of what he was really wanting out of this, relationship? No no. That tag felt way too cozy. Friendship... in which he really really wanted something more? Or... just friendship. Yep. That's better. If he crushed out any possibility of hope then absolutely nothing would go wrong. That seemed like a good idea.

"Just a moment dearie! The cookies will be done in six milliseconds!" His aunt called out through the other side in the house.

"Oh no." 

"What, is that bad?" Noir asked, not sure if something was about to go down.

"Yep,"

Manners gone. Ham burst through the door right as his Aunt was about to try out one of her experimental inventions.

"Aunt May, we've talked about this! You're still missing-"

"Peter! I was just about to open the door. Well, I suppose I can't be too upset. I'd want to see this too."

"The Inst-cookiematron 4000 is still unstable. Last time-"

"Last time was last time, and my eyebrows grew back in a snap! Just watch."

"Aunt May, don't-!"

The button from the remote in her hands was pressed. The invention hopped about as it grew louder and louder. It began to shake with a tremendous force, until it completely died down. The only thing it produced being a pitiful puff of black smoke. It coated the trio leaving a comical ashy effect on nephew and aunt alike.

"Well that was rather anti-climatic wasn't it Petey?" Aunt May asked removing her green tinged goggles.

"Better-*cough cough*- anti-climatic that disastrous, Aunt May." Ham answered, waving the smoke out of his face.

His Aunt swiped her arm down her face and it was clean once more. She looked up finally noticing the tall man who, color wise, looked rather unaffected by the smoke.

"You must be "Noir" then, huh?"

 

***

 

"-well, to make a long story short, I'd gotten tired after finishing up the chores. I was waiting for the laundry to dry and noticed a big ol' do-hickey that happened to have a chair. I sat down and managed to kick a lever in the process and boom! Zapped with a healthy one-two dose of radiation! And that's how I got my memory back."

Aunt May had finished her story as the three sat in the kitchen table. She had operated one of her more successful inventions to fix them some tea as she explained a bit of her history.

"Again," Ham began, " I'm really sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I was worried the shock could kill you."

"You should know by now that your Aunt's no pale flower Peter. If I can take a zap of radiation to the brain twice and still drive stick shift, I take a little truth." 

As she said this she gently cupped his cheek. It was harder to admit that he also didn't tell her for fear of loosing the closest friend he had. Even when he was a spider, May had been nothing but kind to him. He'd always seen her as family. Though, he didn't know if he was ready to tell her that, just yet.

A faint beep could be heard from the basement catching May's attention.

"Oh, that'd be my centrifuge. Better check on that before the whole house explodes!" May cheerfully announced.

"Why don't you let me deal with that, Aunt May? I've been looking into the formula and I think I figured out what went wrong last time." Porker offered.

"You don't have to do that! You're my guest." May reminded.

"I know I don't have to. I want to." 

"Smart and kind. I really get the whole package with a nephew like you."

"I got it from you." Ham shrugged, making his way down the stairs.

He couldn't wait to see the latest developments his Aunt had been working on while he was away. Still, he wished he could hear whatever they were talking about upstairs. Considering how quiet Noir had been throughout the whole visit, he was sure their conversation could be about anything really. Welp, onto some good old fashioned peer review science.

 

***

 

May sighed when her nephew was out of sight.

"Mam?" Noir questioned, concerned for the Aunt he had know for all of ten minuets.

He wondered if all Aunt Mays just had that sort of power over him.

"I really wish he'd give himself some credit from time to time. He's so much smarter than he thinks."

Noir hadn't considered that Ham may have been putting himself down.

"Wait, " He began, "Does he believe-"

"That he didn't just inherit a pigs body when I bit him, but also his intelligence. Yep."

She sighed again before adding, "That boy's been acting as my peer reviewer since the moment I met him, curled up snug as a bug in my basement. He doesn't think I remember. Peter was quite the help I needed to really get my inventions off the ground."

She reminisced fondly smiling at the memories.

"I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that loosing Ben wasn't the easiest ordeal to go through." She remarked.

Noir agreed, nodding his head.

"Peters' company kept me going. Kept the house from feeling quite so big and empty."

"He really is some pig." Noir remarked.

May laughed at that, throwing the man off for a moment.

"I take it they have Babe where you're from?" She asked.

"What?"

She read the confusion and understood.

"I see we're not quoting movies then. Which leads me to wonder what's brought you here today?"

A rather head on question, but not one he wasn't prepared for.

"I asked,"

That led to an interested hum from the elder.

"We'd been out on patrol,-"

 

***

 

Noir was glad Ham decided to accompany him for the night. These past few dreary evenings scoping out the harsh streets of New York had left him feeling lost in his work. With Ham, the loneliness subsided, like a fog rolling out into the distance. His good humor let Noir smile. He smiled while they webbed the slinking scum off the streets and into those cold copper wagons to the big house. And he smiled while delivering some sweet chin music to a band of nazis. Noir needed that gentle nudge of reality the cartoon pig brought with him, and the irony of that wasn't lost on him.

Ham had insisted they take a moment to rest after a nights job well done and suggested pizza. He seemed dead set on a place called Lombardi's for some reason, but Noir didn't complain. The pizza turned out to be some top notch stuff.

"Hey Noir,"

He turned his head just as he was taking a bite and managed to get a pretty good cheese stretch. Though he was sure it looked rather silly and quickly tried to cut the stretch as to not embarrass himself, while unfortunately failing. Ham just waited patiently, watching him fumble through the cheese with a smile.

"Let's try not to make a complete fool of ourselves, Parker. Answer him." Noir thought, chastising himself.

He was rather thankful his mask was only partially rolled up, still covering his flushed face. Noir would feel too vulnerable otherwise and he figured it was best to save his Parker pride.

"Yeah?" He uttered, trying to stop the cheesy madness.

"Those guys at the Chinese Theater were some real uh, duck soup to take care of, huh?"

For someone who was supposedly grim and dower, it sure was easy to get a chuckle out of him from dumb puns.

"Okay, that was pretty good."

"That's what you said about the cowboy dachshund joke."

"Get a long little doggy," Noir muttered happily to himself.

"See! That's what I'm talking about, you'd laugh at anything! You're the worst test audience." Ham playfully chastised.

He saw that Ham was beaming and could feel a sense of pride well up in his chest. Someone like him could make a person smile. Been a long time since someone, anyone for that matter, had seen him as a good presence. Noir had been thinking that he wasn't, but he pushed that thought aside. He was tired of feeling down. His new spider family taught him so many things. He learned that depression isn't just having the blues, it's a mental disorder and a common one at that. They taught him that if the thoughts in his head overwhelmed him it was okay to confide in others and more importantly, not to dwell. 

"Because we can't change what's been done. We can only move forward."

Wise words, from a man who has no shame in wearing undergarments over his Spider-Man costume.

Noir was going to take those steps forward. It wasn't really a challenge. Not when you have a family comprised of some of the best and brightest super heroes this side of the multiverse.

When he looked back over to Ham he was frowning at something on his phone.

"Looks like the Hobgobbler's escaped from prison - again. Seriously, I should start looking into the cells and see if the bars are made out of grain." Porker grumbled to himself.

"You need some assistance?" Noir offered.

"Nah, you've had a long enough night. Get some rest tall child. You've earned it."

Hesitantly Noir added, "We should do this again sometime."

"Well, it'll have to wait until next weekend, that is unless you wanna sit for tea and cookies with my Aunt."

"I'd love to."

The two of them went silent. Oh no. That was bad. That was really desperate and bad. Did he just invite himself to visit Ham's Aunt May? 

"What are you doing!? Apologize! Back out! Now! He was clearly joking, and you just invited yourself over like you own the place! Where's your head, you rusted up gumshoe?! For a detective you sure are lousy at deducing the difference between an invitation and a joke." 

"Wow, um... that, uh came out wrong." Noir tried.

Ham took in a sharp breath, pressing his hands together, almost in a prayer, before pointing his hands toward, Noir.

"Here it comes," He thought, bracing himself.

"I-think-that-that's-a-great-idea-.-You-coming-over-.-I- mean-if-you-wanted-to-come-over-,-that-is-to-say-you-should-do-what-you-want-it's-your-life-after-all-,-but-I-wouldn't-mind-.-I-wouldn't-mind-that-at-all-.-That-is-if-you-don't-think-that's-lame-,-cause-if-that's-lame-I-completely-understand-.-You-wouldn't-have-to-worry-at-all-and-we-can-totally-pretend-that-this-conversation-never-happened-."

Maybe it was rude, but the only response Noir could think to say was a simple,

"...What...?"

In that moment, Ham looked like he was ready to crawl into a hole and never come out. Noir could at least understand what to do then. He picked the pig up, wrapped him up into his arms, and placed his chin on top of the others head. Ham simply wrapped his hands around the larger black arms keeping him there. All went quiet for a moment, leaving Noir to question why they seemed to get so worked up around one another. This was truly one of his more bizarre friendships. Gwen used the term b.f.f. Was that what this was? He wasn't quite sure. 

Noir decided to rephrase himself,

"Peter, listen. I think I may have been a little too fast on the trigger with that reply, so if it's alright with you, could I start again?"

He could feel the others head nod against his chest, and accepted that as his pass to continue.

"I would like to visit your Aunt May. That is, if you don't mind my being there?"

Porker took a breath, and let it out slowly. 

"I'd like that."

He knew Ham had to go, but maybe he could silently convince him to stay. Just for a few more minuets. He wasn't exactly trying to pry himself away, so Noir decided he was fine with it. His New York was a quieter place after all, especially when the streets were peaceful, and he felt like sharing the moment.

 

***

 

"Heck of a way to say, "Your Nephew and I are awkward." but I'll take it." May replied, pushing her cookie invention into a broom closet.

"I'm sorry, mam. Was I talking for too long?" Noir asked, worried he had been a bother.

"What? No. You're fine. I say that more to say that the two of you are really quite a pair. I have never met two people that sweat over little things like you two do in all of my life. The last thing you have to worry about with me is yacking my ear off. I'd be more worried about the other way around." She replied clearing off the kitchen table.

She'd been cleaning and clearing up space in the kitchen for a good couple of minuets or so. May seemed like she was planning something. Curiosity finally got the better of him and he had to ask.

"Is there any particular reason you've cleared out the kitchen?" He asked.

"Sure is!" May answered, hopping into the air and doing a twirl.

Suddenly out of nowhere, she was decked in a chefs hat and apron.

"You and I are going to bake some cookies the old fashioned way."

May pried out the various ingredients that they needed from the fridge, tossing them hap hazardously to Noir. He was sure if it wasn't for his spider senses her various kitchen supplies would have fallen to the floor.

"Let's see, we need milk,"

He caught the jug with his left hand.

"Flour,"

The bag almost missed his reach, but his webs allowed him to catch it with in his right.

"Three large eggs,"

Oh no. She was tossing them individually. The milk and flour were quickly placed on the table. One egg. Caught. Two eggs. Easy enough. Three eggs. Wait the first two eggs were already in one hand each. He didn't have a free hand! On a dime of reflex, he webbed up a spoon from the counter and flung it to his mouth catching the third egg in a miracle to end all miracles, and without a single crack. Mays' arms were filled with everything else they needed, as she closed the fridge door with her foot.

"And I'll handle the rest of the ingredients. Pete if you could-" She stopped mid sentence when she finally got a good look at him.

"Well, aren't we ever the show off." May said with a sassy smirk.

Noir cracked a smile from the spoon between his teeth.

"I'm a man of many talents." He replied, though it hardly sounded swave spoken through closed teeth.

Once the two of them had set their ingredients down onto the table, may urged Noir to change into an apron too. Though after some unsuccessful twirling attempts at basic cartoon logic, May had to conclude that cartoon physics simply wouldn't work for the man, and instead pulled one out of her pocket for him to wear. Once he was dressed for the occasion the two got right to work.

"So Pete, you ever baked cookies before?" May asked while mixing the batter.

Noir shook his head as he slowly poured in the dry ingredients. There was a solid reason for that of course. What with being poor and all, not to mention The Depression hitting when he was just a teen. Sugar, fresh milk, butter... those were luxury's his family never had the pleasure to afford. Not that he ever suffered going completely hungry... much. 

Everyone was making due with what the ground provided. When he was younger his Aunt use to make dandelion salad. He's even known kids in his neighborhood that would eat three leaf clovers off of the ground as a sort of sour candy... it was good to know that it'd be over in just a few years.

"Pete?"

He must have gotten lost in his thoughts again.

"Sorry about that."

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.

He was silent. His family told him that talking it out was good but was this really the time for it? They were baking. You shouldn't talk about something that's literally called The Depression while baking.

"You know for as weird as it might be to accept a cartoon pig as your Aunt, I'm afraid you've got no choice in the matter Pete. We're family, whether you like it or not and as your Aunt I have to insist that I am here to support you. No matter what."

He put down the bowl and sighed. On the one hand, he could call her Aunt May. That was nice. On the other hand... This conversation was going to ruin the mood.

"...depression."

"Pardon?" May asked, placing a hand on his shoulder, and considering how much shorter than him she was it stretched out her arm quite a bit.

He realized he whispered, Noir cleared out his throat and spoke again.

"I've spent, a good chunk of my life... poor. And... it's currently 1933... in my universe."

She mulled over in thought for a moment before perking up with a smile.

"Well if that's the case I'm sure you're itchin' to get started on these cookies then, huh? Be a dear and hand me the rest of that dry mixing bowl."

"Yes mam." Noir replied handing her the spoon.

"You know," Aunt May began as she spread the cookie dough out onto the table, "when my mom was a little girl she had all kinds of stories about how she use to have to walk for miles and miles to get to school. So I have to ask, was she just pulling my leg for me being lazy or was any of that true?"

"Well, busses aren't as common where I'm from so it's expected for kids to walk. Even if it takes hours to get back and fourth. My legs were usually killing me between walking to school and walking back home. Not that I wanted to go to school. My teacher was the worst."

"Really, do tell."

As Noir opened up, telling stories from his child hood, he realized that the conversation, while dipping into sadder stories, such as the loss of his parents, going hungry, and Uncle Ben, mostly stayed on the positive spectrum. The life he had with his parents, helping others from going hungry, and even Uncle Ben. Through talking about it, he really was starting to feel better. It was just like they'd said. Noir had family here.

 

***

 

Ham ascended back up the stairs admittedly, a little longer then he'd planned to, and was greeted by the sound of his two favorite people laughing together. As he made his way back to the table he could make out the last pieces of a joke he'd missed being shared. He'd heard the punch line before, but he didn't remember from where. It was then that he noticed the cookies had been assembled and baked after all. 

In fact, doing a double take, he noticed Noir was spouting a dirtied apron. He would most definitely not admit to admiring the view, at least, he wouldn't admit to admiring the view to quite the level that he actually did. Like, was a good enough adjective. Then finally Ham noticed one of the cookies was shaped like a spider.

"Peter, we were just talking about you." His Aunt supplied, noticing her nephew back in the kitchen with them.

"That's nice," He picked up the spider cookie, "Hey Aunt May, who am I?"

Before she could ask what he was up to, he bit the head off of the spider cookie.

She just rolled her eyes and looked toward her company at the table.

"You bite your nephews' head and mutate him one time, and he never lets you live it down." May replied to Noir, who chuckled in response.

The three of them continued their evening in relative good fun, sharing tid bits of their week, having some good laughs, with some embarrassing stories of Hams' various shenanigans at home thrown in from his Aunt.

When it was time to go, Aunt May wouldn't let them leave without taking the rest of the sugar cookies, and Noir wouldn't let Ham give him the one extra that was left. It didn't matter that sugar cookies were his favorite. He was trying to be nice. He eventually accepted his fate, and the cookie that came with it. Though if Noir later found half a cookie in his tupperware, Ham would deny any knowledge of it.

As he was leaving May tugged on the sleeve of his sweater.

"I think this one's a keeper." She said, with a playful nudge.

Ham managed to swallowed down his nerves for once as he quietly added,

"I sure hope so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Porkers Aunt May supposedly loses her intellect in the comic so I cheated and gave it back to her. Eh, weirder things have happened.


	4. Sharing a Bed With Your Crush is a Great Idea (It Isn't)

The sheets, for the third time that night, had been ripped off of Ham. He hadn't even gotten the chance to fall back asleep yet before he was cold. Again. Noir normally tossed and turned in his sleep, it wasn't anything new to Ham, but that didn't mean he entirely loved the idea of staying up all night. In the cold. He got the benefit of technically sleeping with his crush, but still, a pig needed his blanket, damn it!

The other man was restless. Even he didn't get to sleep when he got like this. Ham couldn't tell if it was night terrors or what but he and Noir both couldn't seem to catch a break. The technicolor pig was debating in his head. Did he wake him up, and try to get him to stop flailing about on the bed? Or did he leave him alone because quite honestly, Noir was a loner who was used to people who wanted him dead, and that made Porker realize just how trigger happy the detective might be.

Ham was dead tired however and by this point had decided, the hell with it. It was either sleep or eternal sleep. One way or the other, he was going to lay to rest. So he tapped on the grey knit sweater of the other spiders' shoulder and hoped his own spider senses would keep him from getting popped in the jaw. Though instead of being hit, Noir immediately leaped up on top of Porker acting as a shield as he scanned the room. With knife in hand as he looked for trouble.

"Is it a break in? Someone lookin' to watch a Harlem sunset?" The other nearly snarled.

"What- no! There's no danger, everything's fine. Oh, and just so you know, I know enough about what a Harlem sunset is to ask for that knife." 

Ham held out his hand in a "give me" motion, and Noir reluctantly parted with the blade. Ham reached for his phone on the nightstand, opened a small portal, and dropped the knife inside it.

"Porker, it's two in the morning." The man above him noted.

"So it is." Ham agreed, arms folded.

"... So why did you wake me up?"

"Noir. I haven't been able to sleep."

He almost looked as if he was about to ask how that involved him, until he seemed to put two and two together.

"That's my fault, isn't it."

"Let's not point fingers here, but yep. Totally your fault." Ham concluded.

"I'm sorry, it's- this city. It's just so frustrating!"

"Well, what's wrong with it?" Porker asked, letting the man rant.

"Well for one, it's so damn noisy in the future. How can anyone sleep with all this noise?"

Ham listened in. What? The sounds of subways in the distance, police sirens and car alarms randomly going off at god awful hours of in night? He couldn't sleep without it.

"Sounds like you've never been to New York, but okay."

The man glowered, but other than that said nothing.

"Nothing comes between a New Yorker and his pride, huh?" Ham playful mused in his head.

"And two," The man said, ignoring Ham as he sat up and did the unthinkable, "It's so damned hot in this house."

With a simple pull of his arms, off his sweater went as it was tossed to the floor. Porker took immediate notice of the series of long and short sets of scars alike that littered across the well toned torso above him. With hair lining his stomach that lead down, down, down, to a sweat pants coated barrier below.

Only now. When it was most inconvenient, did it just occur to him their particular... position. In the bed. That they're sharing.

"This is it." He thought to himself, "This is how I die. Not by forgetting my web shooters on the day I decided to jump off of the Empire State Building, or by being turned into a zombie in my quest to follow thought bubbles, or even in the bathroom, which is known for being the most dangerous room in the average American household. Nope. I'm going to die because a gorgeous, naive-to-20th-century-changes man is unwittingly giving me a strip show. And yes, I am a terrible person for describing it that way."

"Ham, is something wrong?"

"Yes! Horribly wrong!" Ham shouted from his mind.

"Nope, all's well here." He spoke aloud.

"@$%# me! No, everything is not all's well." Porker thought to himself, "I'm about to embarrass myself with something my body can't control and when that happens, I may as well let them wheel me straight to the morgue."

Then suddenly out of nowhere, it happened. Tiny pops started sounding in the air. It was a classic cartoon staple, and even Noir would know what they meant. Floating overhead and popping like bubbles were a series of hearts.

"Gah!-I can't believe I'm doing this right in front of him! This is so embarrassing..."

He expected a reply, laughter more likely than anything else. So he covered his face, but the silence stretched for longer than his curiosity thought it would and that caused him to peek up. Noir wasn't laughing, if anything, he barely looked awake.

"Noir?"

No response.

"Pete?"

The man gently began to slump forward, as Ham realized what was happening. He quickly hopped over to the right side of the monochrome man as Noir face-planted with his pillow.

"What just happened?" Ham asked, staring down at Noir in disbelief.

"Like t-e bub-l-s," Noir mumbled against the bed.

Ham could feel his face burning up. He's falling asleep because of the sound of the hearts popping above his head? 

"All I needed to knock you out cold was asmr? The past is doing you a horrible disservice, Pete." Ham remarked, just relieved that he wasn't found out.

"Don't kn-w wh-t that -s. Tel- me -omorrow." He mumbled into the pillow below him.

"You sure you don't want the crash course right now? I've got a slideshow presentation if that's more- Whoa!"

Noir pulled him down into the bed and back against his chest, draping the sheets over the both of them.

"Pe-ter. Sleep." Was all the other mumbled.

It didn't take long for his hearts to start bubbling about again, lulling Noir back into a cozy state of unconscious. The softer and slower rise and fall of his chest being the give away. However, he wasn't the only one who managed to find a sleep aid that night. Those arms felt just as good around him when they were lying down as they did when they were sitting up. Maybe even better. No, definitely better like this.


	5. A Change of Scenery Could be Nice

A new weekend had dawned and the spider family agreed that while Miles' Aunt May, (If Gwen can have an Aunt May, so can you Miles, it makes labeling easier anyway) loved them all dearly, the poor woman needed a break. So the spiders had to go elsewhere. Which meant going somewhere new and exciting! Like the far distant future, or walking through the shoes of the past, maybe even a world of falling anvils and pies- 

Or just Peter B. and M.J.'s apartment. That too.

"Hey, my dimension is just as interesting as any of yours. In fact, I've already met my future protégé. Miguel O'Hara, from the year 2099."

Peni snickered at that.

"We can't all be from 3145 Peni, get over yourself."

Everyone smirked amongst themselves. He tried so hard to be cool.

"So, Pete. This your spider gang?"

Up the stoop nestled in the doorway, stood the infamous M.J.

"Spider gang?" Gwen questioned, looking incredulously back at Peter B.

"Well, it's a work in progress." Peter B. backpedaled.

"I thought we were a family? Not a mindless rabble of johnson brothers." The color washed man remarked, sounding genuinely hurt.

"Aww, family. That's so sweet." Mary-Jane cooed from the porch.

"Okay, now you're just doing that on purpose." Ham remarked to Noir from his perch on SP//dr.

"Noir," Miles interjected, placing a comforting hand on the taller mans' shoulder, " We are a family. Other Peter's just being dumb."

"Hey! You can't call your mentor dumb!"

"I thought you said you were Miguels' mentor?" Miles shot back.

"He's my protégé. There's a difference." The supposed mentor replied.

"Hey, if you guys are done arguing, you're free to come inside anytime you'd like. I made dinner." Mary-Jane added, ready to move everyone in already.

"Mmm! I think I smell dumplings!" Peni remarked.

"Really?" Miles asked, interest peaked.

"Good nose kid," Mary-Jane praised.

"Whoa, I didn't know you could cook M.J.." Gwen added in awe.

"I cook a whole lot better than Pete does. Did he tell you he almost burnt down my complex the last time we were together?"

"Okay I need to hear this." Gwen stated, following Mary-Jane inside.

"No you don't, Gwen! Don't tell her about that M.J.. She'll never let me hear the end of it." Peter B. retaliated quickly following behind.

Soon everyone was inside. All except for the pig and the shadow.

"Everyone in there... seems to share a pretty close bond already, huh." Noir began, feeling a little lost.

Before he knew it Ham was already sitting on his shoulders, and had stolen his hat.

"Yep," he replied, "and they're all inside. Just waiting to get to know you too."

Noir took a breath he didn't know he was holding, and let it out.

"Yeah, wait till they get a load of us."

"That's the spirit, Casanova. Now get in there!" Porker replied, determinately pointing the way forward.

As he gave Ham a literal piggy back ride, Noir felt reassured. Time to greet a new stranger and call them a friend.

 

***

 

Friday night had gone off without a hitch. The kids occupied themselves in the most twisted game of Monopoly Noir had ever seen. Though to be fair, any game of Monopoly seemed twisted to the man who literally fought toe to toe with these kind of crooks in his everyday life. The future was really something else if you could make a game out of it all. He didn't mind all that much however. The future was in some pretty good hands.

The adults, Peter B., Mary-Jane, Ham, and Noir sat collected at the kitchen table drinking something Mary-Jane had called, Margaritas. It was funny, for all the months that Noir had spent with their rag tag-group, not once had he been out for drinks. Miles' May absolutely forbid the stuff in her house, and he was one of only two spider people who wasn't completely super human. A disadvantage in a fight. But it meant he could still get drunk. He'd take that as a win. However, because that other spider person happened to be Peni, only he and Mary-Jane were really drinking.

"So you still have your glasses?" Mary-Jane remarked, grabbing the mans' goggles that the glasses were still attached to from the table. "Your glasses use to be so cute, Pete. What'd you ever do with em?"

"IIIIII- threw em' away!" Peter replied sweeping his hand in a large and grandiose motion.

Ham snickered exaggeratedly to himself, while Noir tried his best to answer.

"I'm not as, enhanced, as the others here, so I still need them, yes. But at least I don't have to pretend to be drunk." He remarked, pointing his half downed glass towards Peter B. and Ham.

"Hey, I'm a cartoon pig!" Porker defended, "Who's to say your realism #%*@$!& applies to me?"

"You have got to stop doing that," Peter B. pleaded, "it freaks me out that your lips actually sync up with the noise that comes out of your mouth."

"Wait he's been making that car horn noise himself when he cusses? I thought he was just pushing a button or something!"

"Don't I wish." The swine grumbled, laying his face onto the table below him.

Noir gave him a firm pat on the back, rubbing circles into the triangle patterned sweater he found there.

"There there," He offered.

"Oh, I forgot I got pie in the fridge if anyone wants any. I'm sure the kids might want some."

"Baby, you- are a uh... nice slice of pie?"

"Nice try Pete. I know you're not drunk flirting. You are still the worst flirt. All on your own." Mary-Jane declared, booping his nose with her finger towards the end.

"Ouch M.J. my pride."

Noir finished the rest of his drink, and chose to omit the pie. It was almost eleven thirty and that felt as good a time as any to go and get some rest. Peter B. and Mary-Janes' apartment wasn't nearly as furnished as Aunt Mays' and that meant sleeping bags a plenty. Noir had insisted however on a simple pallet on the floor for himself, consisting of a sheet below, and a blanket on top. Seeing him laid out on the floor, must have started a chain reaction, however, because it wasn't too long after that everyone decided they were suddenly tired.

He could hear the sound of one last set of foot falls heading his way, and Noir didn't even hesitate to lift up his blanket.

"Where's that oh so fancy sleeping bag, you've been yammering on about?" Noir teased.

"Forgot," Ham helpfully supplied as he snuggled closer to the others' body.

"Mhmm,"

Noir would question him, but he really didn't care. Ham was comfortable in his arms, and warm.


	6. A Conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning we got a bit of a heavy topic being talked about here. If the word Homophobia makes you itchy, I understand if you don't want to read. Spoiler: No one's homophobic. But the word and the discussion are had.

Morning came, leaving Noir to try and let himself stir awake. One would assume a spider person would always be synonymous with a morning person. Noir just happened to be the one exception. He was nether supremely super human, nor was he the young man he use to be. All limitations about himself he could come to accept. Ham was gone, as was to be expected. Noir was usually the last one awake. 

Except for this one time, and he still hadn't quite forgiven himself for it. When he'd accidentally held Porker hostage. That poor little pig! He tried to say he was fine with it, he even curled up into him more to show he didn't mind. Noir always told him they didn't have to. That if he needed space, he'd understand. Ham however, would just tell him he wanted to, and that did things to the man. Warm and gooey things to his chest, that bleed affection. Noir would die for this pig. He'd never had a friend this close and dear to him before. It was wild.

As Noir rose and stretched from the cold hard floor, he could hear Miles and Gwen having some sort of conversation in the second spare room. He decided he'd join in, get himself woken up proper for the day. He still had so many questions about the future, and knowing it couldn't possibly affect each others timelines (what with them being from different dimensions and all), it was always so fascinating to ask.

He made his way to knock on the door when the conversation he heard, caught his ear.

"Billie Eilish my is my queen right now, Miles." Gwen declared.

"I know," Miles accepted.

"She's my wife."

"Yeah,"

"Augh, I am so gay for her!"

"You've said that like a million times." Miles reminded her.

"Because it's true Miles! She's my gonna be my wife. We're getting married!"

"As long as I'm the best man."

"You're sure as hell not going to be the wedding singer."

"Hey!"

What... were they talking about? Something about Gwen getting married. To a woman? He didn't have long to contemplate the thought as the door was suddenly flung open.

"Oh- Noir! Hi!" Miles greeted, awkwardly waving at him with his fingers.

Gwen nearly choked on her soda. She looked up at him with wide horrified eyes.

Noir... didn't like that.

"W-we were just uh- talking about our favorite music, right Gwen?"

"Yeah. Music." She finished quietly, in a way that wasn't like her at all.

Noir tried to think of what he should say. He wanted nothing more than to lean down and hug Gwen, but he didn't want to make things worse. Miles kept trying to change the subject, all while Gwen tried making herself small and smaller. So he did the first thing he could think to do. He bent down to his knees, down to Gwens level sitting in a bean bag chair. She had her head turned away from him. The longer strands of her hair obscuring her face. He brushed her hair out of her face, to find Gwen looking toward him, worry in her eyes. 

"Gwen?-"

"So how much did you hear?" She asked first.

"Enough to know there are some things I should be asking."

She was quiet for a moment, then she seemed to gather herself as she began.

"What kind of things?" She asked.

Gwen seemed to be testing the waters. So he would too.

"What did you mean by, "she's my wife." ?"

Miles quietly groaned, as a fire seemed to spark back into Gwen's eyes.

"I meant what I said. There's nothing wrong with me having a wife!"

She was mad, and while that certainly wasn't good, at least she wasn't afraid. He loved his family too much to cause them grief. It broke his heart to think that he'd managed to break her trust in him.

"I'm sorry if I said something bad, I just... I've never heard anything like this before. It's new." He tried to explain.

At that, Miles sat down on the bed closer to the two of them. There was a look in his eyes that seemed to say he understood what was happening. He usually did act as the bridge of understanding in their family.

"Gwen, I think it's alright." He began, " He's not homophobic. I think he's literally never heard of gay people before."

Gay? Homophobic? He was sure they'd explain it all to him, it was just-

"Why am I only hearing about these things now? If this was so important to you why didn't you tell me sooner? Gwen, I never- ever - want to make feel like you have to keep secrets from me. I love you. I love all of you so very much and I-"

He was interrupted by a sudden hug. Noir was startled for only a moment. As soon as he came back to his senses, he wrapped the girl up into his arms. He held onto her with such an overwhelming wash of relief, that he hadn't realized the both of them had begun crying. Miles kneeled down with them, and Noir was quick to rope him into the hug as well, all before he could try to ask. Not that he seemed to mind. The boy only hugged the two of them tighter. They took their time supporting each other through this. He, and his family. They'd always support one another. This experience wasn't pleasant, but it affirmed at least that much. He'd always be grateful of that.

 

***

 

For the span of about two hours, Noir had been gradually brought to speed on all things LGBTQ+, or L -lesbian G -gay B -bisexual T -transgendered Q -queer + - plus other genders/sexualities. (Or, S -sexuality A -and G -gender A -acceptance. The community still seemed to be trying to figure that one out.) They started with the basics.

"Love is love."

And gradually moved onto more complex topics.

"A person that doesn't have a fixed label on their sexuality is still a valid member of the LGBT community, no two peoples journeys are alike, and it's okay if a decision doesn't last forever."

He soaked up enough information to make his head spin. Noir had no idea a community of people like this existed. Apparently, they existed in his time too. Hell, sense before his time even. Living right under his nose. What a concept! Even Miles and Gwen. Both bisexuals. 

"Bisexuals, are... bi. Like a bicycle. Two. That means they're attracted to two genders. Men and women." Noir recited in his head, glad that he was able to remember it on his own.

"So, what about you?" Miles asked from the spare bed he was texting on.

"What about me?" Noir followed, confused.

Did he miss something. Was there anything else he was missing?

"He's asking what your sexuality is. You know, is it any different? Now that you know you have options."

Wait. He had options? The realization caught Noir off guard.

The two of them seemed to see the cogs turning in his head, and realized something huge.

"Dude, you did realize we were talking about you too, right?" Gwen reiterated.

"It's okay if you find someone the same sex attractive too." Miles added.

"You know that right?" The two of them seemed to say at the same time.

Noir, made his way out of the spare room and over towards the bathroom.

"Noir?" Miles called out.

"Pete, you okay?" Gwen asked.

Noir, turned around in the hall way, looking the two of them over, as he stood still.

"You've given me a lot to think about." He began, "I've always figured I'd settle down with a dame. I'll need some time to think about this."

Gwen and Miles nodded in understanding and watched as he shut the door. The two gave a quick glance to one another. They knew it would be a while. They headed off to the living room to-

Suddenly the bathroom door, swung open.

"I've made my decision."

Miles and Gwen quickly scrambled to the bathroom door.

"And?" Asked Gwen.

"What is it?" Asked Miles.

In the most unceremonious way possible, Peter Benjamin "Noir" Parker, announced,

"I'm gay."

And proceeded to reclose the bathroom door.

 

***

 

"Such a good robot! Who stopped those bad-bad men from making off with stolen laptops! That's right! You did! You're just such a good-"

Peni was interrupted from praising SP//dr on a job well done from loud sounds of pterodactyl screeching coming from the guest bedroom. Hoisting herself into SP//dr, Peni prepared for a brawl- only to find Gwen and Miles grabbing ahold of each other shouting like they'd lost their minds.

"Seriously, and I'm supposedly the immature one." Peni remarked hopping out of SP//drs' hatch.

"Peni, you're not gonna believe-" Miles started.

But Gwen interrupted with, "Shh! No. He's gotta tell her!" 

"Who tell me what?" Peni asked.

"Just go to the bathroom. Ask Noir if he has anything recent he'd like to tell you." Gwen explained.

Miles and Gwen watched from the spare bedroom, gesturing Peni to keep going every time she turned around. Eventually she just trotted along until finally she made it to the door. She knocked and out popped Noir.

"What are they saying?" Miles asked.

"Maybe we'd hear something with our super hearing if you'd be quiet!" Gwen sassed.

Miles gave a pout at that, and managed to keep quiet. The two could faintly hear something along the lines of, "I got a new record for my collection, I suppose" Peni turned back to them looking confused.

"SP//dr! Tell her to ask about something new happening to him, today."

The bot companion was able to get the message through loud and clear. It seemed to be the right question too, because after the door was closed again, Peni turned around and looked just as ecstatic as Miles and Gwen were. The three snatched each other up in a hug and hopped about excitedly. Screeching like they were a group of scream queens in a b horror movie.

"Okay gremlins, what's with the screaming? I'd rather not have the whole neighborhood think I'm harvesting organs or something."

"Peter-"

"I think this might be getting a little out of hand." Gwen remarked, a hand over Miles mouth.

Gwen walked up to the bathroom, and knocked on the door.

"How many more people are you gonna- Gwen?"

"Hey, Noir. Mind if I come in?"

Noir left the door open, and sat down in the tub.

"Do you want me to-" Gwen began, gesturing towards the door, before she was interrupted.

"I thought you said this wasn't suppose to be a big deal? I've heard you and Miles screaming for about the past five minuets, and then Peni- Did I not do this right?"

"No! Noir, Miles, Peni and I, are happy for you. We're just excited that you came out! None of us were expecting it. Not too many people manage to jump into a sexuality and say, "Yeah, that's me." right away, you know?" She explained.

He sighed in relief.

"That's real sweet, but listen, if you promise not to send anyone else to the bathroom and let me finish my morning routine, I'll just tell everyone the news myself, deal?" Noir suggested.

He'd offered to shake on it, but he should have known it'd be brushed aside. Gwen was proving to be quite the hugger.

 

***

 

They had been gathered into the living room, for an announcement of some kind. Ham didn't know about what per-say but the who did leave him feeling, if he had to be honest, a little disappointed. He knew damn well whatever Noir had to say was something Gwen, Miles and Peni already knew about, from the way they'd been acting. They told each other everything. At least, that's what he'd thought.

"No Porker, let's not get mopey about it." He scolded himself, "Just be glad he's telling you- well not really just you but, everyone now."

All things considered, it could be anything. While the kids looked like they were trying not to completely gush over whatever this revelation was, Noir was calmly asking to Peter B. if he could add oranges to the grocery list. Ham really hated suspense. Peter B. added the oranges and took his seat, leaving Noir as the only one standing up. Everyone settled down, as the monochrome man lifted a hand to silence them, ready for his announcement.

"I've been informed," He began, "that this is the sort of revelation I should share, when comfortable to. And I'd say, that I am."

Ham finally caught the man on the make shift stages eye and only then did the other begin to seem nervous. Porker gave the grey scaled man his most supportive smile/two thumb up combo, and that helped to snap Noir out of his stage fright.

"Right. Well, here it is." He took in a breath, "I'm gay."

"Wait, you're old. Do you mean gay as in happy or-" Peter B. sassed.

"I'm a homosexual, Peter." Noir replied dryly.

Those words rung in Hams head, knocking about in his skull like noise. The good kind of noise. Like the rattle of the air conditioner on a hot day, or the static of the T.V. that puts you to sleep. It was like the rain letting up and finding out you're not in the eye of the storm, you're out of it all together. You made it. You're here. On the other side. 

Peni went up to Noir first. Happily announcing herself as lesbian, and everyone followed suit, reintroducing themselves. One by one, they approached the man until finally, it was Ham's turn.

"Hey Noir."

"Ham."

The two of them were quiet looking away from each other. This went on for longer than Ham would have liked it to and when he realized this was getting them nowhere, he decided to start.

"Congrats on-"

"So what about-"

They seemed to begin at once. That was embarrassing.

"How about you start." Ham offered.

"Uh," Noir helpfully began, "so... what about you?"

A warm wash of heat flushed Hams' cheeks and it took all of his willpower to suppress the hearts that wanted to float and pop about.

"I'm bi." he answered, " In fact, you can call me Bider-Ham from now on if you prefer."

The two of them smiled, a small but comfortable laugh being exchanged between them.

"I think I prefer Peter."

One heart managed to escape, but thankfully, Ham grabbed it and popped it behind his back before anyone could notice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I did an okay job covering this topic. Now I know LGBT peeps existed and were a conscious topic during the 1930's but I wrote this in a way I was familiar. Growing up in the south LGBT ideals weren't taught to me. I had to learn about them myself at the age of 13 by reading books at the library. If I never decided to learn, no one would have told me. Writing about this topic got me thinking back to that time in my life, and I guess I may have projected. I'll just say for the record, it would be pretty hypocritical of Noir to go around punching Nazis and to then shun the very groups of people that they hurt and leave it at that. I promise, this is the only heavy topic chapter. Nothing but fluff and usual drama from here on. D.B. Out!


	7. Puns Are Fun

Noir had just gotten back from a rather uneventful evening of patrol with Peter B. and was ready to sleep the rest of the day away. Maybe he should have gone with Ham to see his Aunt instead? The detective shook his head. Four Sundays in a row was definitely pushing it. Besides, even if it was a long night and no fight to show for it, he and his technicolor counterpart had a good time, oh what had he called it... Peter Parkouring around (whatever that meant). He strolled through the halls of May's house, ready to crash in his and Hams' bed when a conversation he overheard caught his attention- again. This was becoming a bit of a habit.

"You were totally hitting on Miles!" Peni accused.

"Maybe a little." Gwen admitted proudly, " Don't know if we could make it work or not but I still like-"

He'd heard enough.

"Young lady!" Noir interrupted, startling the two girls sitting in their room, " Unless it's for self-defense you shouldn't be hitting on anyone. Much less bragging about it."

"Again?" Gwen remarked.

"Does he just do this now?" Peni questioned.

"Gwen. If you hurt Miles you need to apologize. A man should never raise his hand to hit a woman and that same principal works the other way around." Noir scolded.

"Wait, you got the wrong idea." Gwen stated, understanding the miscommunication.

"Gwen, if you're trying to weasel your way out of trouble-"

"She didn't actually hit Miles. She hit on Miles. It's flirting." Peni explained.

Gwen's face was beet red.

"Peni!" She groaned, "I don't need everyone knowing. Not yet."

"I thought it was obvious." Peni muttered to herself.

"She didn't hit him?" Noir concluded.

"No. I would never! Well, maybe not never, I mean if he said something stupid I might smack him upside the head."

Noir frowned, disapprovingly.

"Playfully." Gwen carefully added, "But no, I wouldn't ever go out of my way to hurt him."

"Ah, here. Internet sweet internet." Peni praised, " Noir look!"

There on the screen of her phone was the definition of the phrase.

Hitting On  
Trying to get someone to like you by flirting with them

There was a second definition of the word right below it.

Hitting On  
Flirting with another person beyond a general acceptance of friendship.

He pondered on that. 

" "Beyond a general acceptance of friendship,"?" He wondered, "What is the limit these days? I've seen people in this day and age do things that would be well within the realms of going steady in my time that say they're just friends."

"Noir, you're not still mad are you?" Gwen asked, drawing Noir out of his thoughts.

"What? No. I was never mad at you Gwen. Disappointed yes, but not mad."

"I told you," Peni whispered to Gwen nudging her arm, "He's totally the Spider-Dad of the group."

Noir pretended not to hear that. He was far too young and reckless to be a father figure. He was a horrible role model and these kids deserved better. Even if it did fill him with a sense of pride to be called a dad. Their dad. Wait, no. Noir shook his head. He needed to focus.

"So this was all just a misunderstanding. No one's been hurt?" He said, trying to confirm everything.

"No, Dad." Gwen spoke teasingly, " I didn't hit Miles."

Noir tried his best to stuff down the conflicting emotions, as feelings of pride, relief, and embarrassment overtook him. He brushed it off, as best as he could, and spoke with a smirk of his own,

"So if I were to go and ask Miles-"

Gwen took ahold of his sleeve as he stood up.

"Noir don't! Come on you finding out is embarrassing enough!"

He and Peni laughed as Gwen covered her face on his sleeve. No, he wasn't going to tell Miles. But maybe he wouldn't let Gwen know that. Just yet.

 

***

 

He'd woken about in the usually way. Rising like the dead, after about only five hours of sleep making it about- he glanced at the clock. Ten. Noir knew he should get more rest, but he hated sleeping in. So up on his feet he went. Snatching his phone, he found a text from Ham waiting for him.

"RIP boiled water. You will be mist."

Underneath was a photo Ham had taken of himself holding Noirs' hat mournfully. 

"So that's where my hat went." 

Behind him a pot of macaroni was boiling. Noir smiled at the screen. He should probably send something back, though he'd have to think about it. He wanted it to be good. Ham was so natural with humor. Noir wondered how he did it. He just seemed to know exactly what to say for just about any occasion. He'd guessed being a cartoon didn't hurt.

Noir clicked off the screen and tapped his thumbs on the lightless glass, trying to think of something witty to reply with as he made his way to the living room.

"Listen to me, if you get nervous just keep telling yourself, "I must win Ralph's medal, or his life will be ruined." and have fun, got it?" 

They were watching Wreck-It-Ralph. Again? He got that it was bright and colorful, (well actually, he didn't what with being color blind and all) but this was the fifth time he's walked into the living room to see it on. He'd asked once before if the kids could tell him what was happening in the film. Their response was to try and explain the entire history of video games to him. Noir had not ready for that lecture. He was left with more questions than answers and decided to just play along and pretend that he knew what they were talking about from that point on.

"Don't you kids think it's a nice day outside. You know, where this picture isn't playing on repeat?" 

"Don't you think it's a little late in the day to have bed hair?" Gwen remarked.

He tried to say something to that but blanked.

"Touché," He conceded.

The man began to brush his fingers through his hair, trying to flatten and smooth it out to look more presentable, as he took a seat on the spare recliner.

"Oh, I love this part," Miles remarked.

Noir decided to pay attention. Might as well watch it if the film was going to be playing in front of him anyway.

"You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?"

Ralph pried off King Candys' glasses and broke them over his head.

"You hit a guy with glasses, that's... well played."

The kids were laughing, but Noir got to thinking... He had the perfect idea of what to send... He just hoped Ham would find it funny.

 

***

 

"One chef's special, for one chef's special gal!" Ham announced, presenting his Aunt with a plate of macaroni and cheese.

"Peter I love you, but this is the only thing you can cook. That hardly qualifies you as a chef." May declared.

"Hey, I'll have you know I can pour a mean bowl of cereal!"

Aunt May laughed, while Ham just smiled. Sundays were his favorite day of the week. He loved seeing his favorite aunt (the joke used to be that he'd add, "and only aunt", but the other May was proving to be quite lovable). Still, he wished Noir could have made it. It was a pleasant surprise when the detective had asked to visit again. He'd almost gotten use to him tagging along. Though he supposed Noir wanted to spend more time with all the other spiders too. Ham of course understood. It was family time. The man really needed it.

*BZZZ*

Oh, he had a message. As he pulled out his phone and tried to read it, his Aunt covered her hand over top. Ham looked up at her, smiling politely as he shut off the screen, moved the phone aside and laid his hand flat onto the table. May took his hand and brushed her thumb back and fourth against the back, comfortingly.

"As always, I wanna say thanks. For commin' over to see me."

"Aunt May, don't. I want to see you." The former spider reassured, "I should be thanking you for letting me come back at all. I've blown the lid off this old place at least a dozen times."

"As if that holds a candle to my record." May boasted.

"I think we need to rethink our priorities if blowing up the house has become a competition." Ham cautioned.

The two shared a laugh.

"That's not a bad idea." She agreed, picking up her empty plate. "You're the greatest nephew an aunt could ask for. It'll be a shame when I have to tell you you're adopted."

Ham gasped, dramatically. His hand going up to hover over his mouth in surprise.

"You mean it's not normal for pigs to be born as spiders first!? I, for one, am in shock."

She just smiled glancing down warmly at him.

"I love you, dear." She said, wrapping her free arm around him in a hug.

"I love you too." He replied, muffled in her sleeve.

Once she had gone to the kitchen sink, Ham flicked the screen of his phone back on to check the message he'd been sent.

"By the way, how are things with your, "friend" as you insist on calling him?"

"Oh everything is- Ah! g-good. Fine! ... wow... It is just going great! Mmm-hmm,"

"Well, you just let your, "friend" know I said hi, alright?"

"W-will do Aunt May."

Right under a picture of Noir without his mask catching one of the ends of his glasses between his lips, wearing hooded eyes and a smoldering smirk, was a caption that read,

"You wouldn't hit on a guy with glasses, would you?"

and right under that, Ham sent him a text letting him know his Aunt May said hi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just like I promised. See. I didn't let you down. D.B. Out!


	8. Don't Mean a Thing if it Ain't Got That Swing

"Hey Pete, how come we never hang out at your place?"

The question had come out of nowhere. Noir and Ham were sprawled out on opposite sides of May's couch. It was another evening in Miles' dimension. They had been the only two to visit that day. It would happen from time to time, and on those nights, they would find themselves comfortably glued to their favorite positions on the sofa. Apparently it was rude of the two of them to hog the couch (and yes, Peter B. did judge Ham for trying to play the species card) all to themselves, and they needed to stop "gay-splaying".

"Now what does that mean?"

"Yeah, thinking back on it, you being gay should have been more obvious. You can't sit anywhere properly to save your life."

"What does that have to do with me being gay?"

"Everything Pete. Everything."

Noir had taken to his favorite past time and was resolving his rubix cube, while Ham curled up in a blanket and focused absentmindedly on the television. He glanced across the couch towards the toon, whos' hazy eyes hadn't left the screen. Ham had wanted to spend time with him back home? That didn't seem like a good idea.

"He's bored enough here. I don't know what I even have to offer. He's just being polite." Noir reasoned, in his head.

"Oh well... you wouldn't want to be there. There's not as much to do, it's a smaller apartment, not to mention my world is rather bland and colorless. It's quite dull, honestly."

Noir didn't really believe that. He found many things to enjoy back home. The truth was, he didn't want to bore Ham with his less than modern environment. Considering the advancements the other spider people had to pass for entertainment, he was sure Ham wouldn't find his actual lifestyle to be very interesting at all.

"What, no!" Ham disagreed, beginning to sit up, " Your world's so sharp and classy. I think it's nice."

"I don't have a television." Noir reminded.

The pig gestured towards the screen in question,

"It's not like there's ever anything good on."

"I don't have air conditioning."

"And I'm a pig in a blanket," Ham reminded, tugging on the quilt he was still tucked away.

The detective bit his lip decisively.

"Are you sure you wouldn't get bored?" Noir hesitantly asked.

Ham frowned rather determinedly at that, tossing off his covers, as pulled out his phone.

"What are-"

"We are going back to your place. You and I are going to have a good time because you do come from an interesting world. And it is going to be fun whether you like it or not!"

"Right now?" 

"Yep."

"B-But I haven't cleaned up my place. It'll look awful!"

"Why do you people give me such easy material to work with? No Porker, making a pigsty joke is way too easy, don't even go for it." The other muttered to himself.

Noir still heard him and snickered anyway. Ham pressed Noirs icon on the app and a grey swirling interdimensional gate opened before them.

"Okay, portal's all set," Ham announced.

"Well alright," Noir began," care for a visit?."

The detective stood up from the couch and in front of the gate, offering his hand to help the pig off of the couch.

"I thought you'd never ask." The toon replied, choosing to loop his arm around Noirs own instead.

And through the portal Noir ventured.

 

***

 

And onto the other side Ham went.

"See, your place is just fine. Hey you even hung up that poster I gave you!"

Noirs apartment, much like the man himself was a wash of monochrome. The shadows stood out and contrasted sharply with the light. Ham was always fascinated by just how many shades three distinct colors could have. Whether it was by how warm grey could be, or by how soft white was, or even with how soothing black looked to the eye. Ham appreciated the way color was used here. Spotting the neon rainbow cat poster, it stood out quite harshly from the rest of the room. It was tacky sure, but Noir seemed happy with it anyway.

"I didn't know where to put it, so I just nailed it to the wall. I hope you don't mind." Noir explained.

"Gotta hang it up somehow." Ham reasoned, "So,"

Porker walked over to Noirs' record collection, dragging his finger along the records as he browsed his set.

"add anything new to your stock?"

Taking Noir to a flea market was hands down one of the best ideas Ham had ever had. He remembered seeing the monochrome man's eyes light up as an entire shelf of records caught his attention. Along with the fifty percent off discount poster attached to it. Just hearing the detective gush about his favorite songs. How he was sure he was never going to be able to listen to half of them again. Or even just how excited he was to hold them in his hands, was enough to let Ham know he made the right call. 

Of course, when Noir told him he couldn't wait to listen to them once the record player was invented, Porker realized that that little historical detail would have been crucial information to have before their surprise shopping trip. Luckily, he was able to find a nice suitcase style turntable for around twenty dollars online. It was even in black. The internet really did have everything. It sure made for one hell of a birthday present. Though it didn't even come close to the signed photo the other had gotten him of Charlie Chaplin himself. 

"To Porker, a real cut above the rest, Charlie Chaplin"

Apparently it was easy for Spider-Man to get a signature from The Tramp. They exchanged them after Noir saved his life. And Noir had the audacity to feel like his gift was small in comparison.

"Well," Noir spoke answering him as he browsed, "Bessie Smith just released a new song, Gimmie a Pigfoot. I found a record of her greatest hits and it's on there if you wanna give it a spin."

"A song rife with potential puns. You know I can't resist." Ham spoke snagging the album in question from the collection.

He set the vinyl up on the turntable and music began to fill the tiny space, reverberating that warm scratchy tone records seemed to have along the walls. The song Noir mentioned wasn't the one to play first, but it was still a nice tune. Porker took a seat down on the in front of the record player and crossed his legs on the floor.

"What's this song called," Ham asked, bobbing his head to the tune.

"Put it Right Here or Keep it Out There." Noir answered from his seat at his kitchen table, "Use to play on the radio a couple years back." 

She had mentioned serving pork chops and Ham was fairly certain what Gimmie a Pigfoot would be about, but he didn't mind. Bessie sang good. Ham liked her, even if she would have liked him a little too much for his own good. The two of them sat like that, listening to the album and Gimmie a Pigfoot eventually came on. Watching Noir mouth the words quietly to himself was honestly the most wholesome thing Ham believed he'd ever seen. Before they knew it, the record had finished all of the songs it had on the first side.

"Oh," Noir began, once the room had fallen quiet, "I'm sorry. I hadn't meant to have you have to sit through the entire thing."

"Relax," Ham reassured, carefully removing the vinyl from the turntable and sliding it back into its' sleeve, "we're hanging out. Listening to music. I'm having fun."

The technicolor swine placed the album back along the small shelf, back where he had taken it, and began looking for another album.

"I'm sure it isn't very comfortable to sit on the floor for so long." The detective spoke, concerned.

Ham smirked at that as a thought formed in his head.

"You're right, I am getting a little sore down here. So if you're suggesting we do something with all this music, then I have an idea."

"I suppose I am. What did you have in mind?"

"How about a dance, handsome?"

That brilliant shade of grey splashing across Noirs' face was as exhilarating as it was nerve racking. He was finally doing this. The first step forward. He'd laid it all down on an outstretched hand. Either, Noir was going to laugh thinking Ham was trying to be funny, turn him down or worse; actually take it. Because Ham knew what to do if Noir had seen it as a joke. He could save his hide then. He had post-it notes, and note cards aplenty that told him where to go from there. If Noir didn't take it as a joke and just straight up rejected him. Ouch, but at least he had been taken seriously.

Then there was acceptance, and he knew he'd be screwed then,

"I would love to."

because he didn't have a plan for that.

 

***

 

He was finally doing this. Noir had never gone out dancing before. There was no one to go with. Watching the everyday people around him dance, various styles and moves had been ingrained into his head. The monochromed man wondered if he'd be any good at replicating what he's seen. One of his legs began to bounce up and down in anticipation. He tried his best to quell his excitement. The last thing he needed was to make this weird.

"Why don't you pick something, Casanova?" Ham suggested, sounding somewhat nervous, himself.

Noir didn't even hesitate and may have gotten up a little too eagerly, as he quickly make his way to his record collection. He knew just the album to throw on, it was one of those collectors edition vinyls with no one particular artist being featured. It had all kinds of songs. There were a few he'd heard before across various the speakeasies he'd sauntered through, and others he hadn't. As the record began to play, the jazz was already lively, bouncing, and ready. All that left was the two of them.

"Ready to tango?" The toon asked, presenting his hand.

"Um... I don't really know how to- Whoa!"

Ham had grabbed Noir and began to twirl him around. He wound the two of them together before unwinding them back. He held the detectives' hand firm in his own, as the two stood side by side arms stretched out far and wide.

"It's an expression." Ham helpfully informed.

Slightly out of breath the other replied with a simple, "Oh," and the two carried on from there.

The first thing Noir had to try was The Charleston, and he was... bad, so very, very, bad at doing that dance. He knew it too, but it was enough fun on it's own for the stoic man to have an excuse to act like a loon. Ham was trying his best not to laugh. Noir became aware of this and began flailing about even worse intentionally, just to crack the pig up. When Ham couldn't help but burst into laughter, it eased a tension Noir didn't know he had.

Next, Noir taught Ham the Black Bottom. A simpler dance compared to the Charleston for sure, though with just about as many steps. The two got the rhythm for it down fairly easy. Jiving was an absolute blast. Though Ham had a little bit of trouble with the speed. Once he stopped and watched Noir dance on his own for a moment, he seemed to see where he was mistepping and quickly found his foot work again. He had to stretch out his arms to reach the taller man, so Noir helpfully leaned down. They looked ridiculous, and Noir loved every minute of it.

By the time they began dancing to Balboa style swing the two were feeling wild and bold. Ham rolled along Noirs' back as the two of them began to own their makeshift ballroom. Being the spider people they were, when they completely cut loose, it was beyond what was human. They stuck to the roof and began dancing upside down. Noir felt a thrill twirling Ham in circles from the ceiling, until the two of them thwiped back down to the ground. 

When the two switched to foxtrot, the detective had to lift Ham up to dance. Seeing the swine super hero actually stepping toe to toe in mid air with his movements was absolutely adorable. Hams' head was pressed up close and snug to the monochrome mans' chest and other than his hands it was the only thing propping him up. At this angle he was practically laying on top of Noir.

"Isn't this uncomfortable for you?" The only one technically dancing questioned.

"Now what makes you say that, you absolute stud of a skyscraper?" Ham spoke deniably.

"Peter the one thing holding up the majority of your body right now is your face."

"My face is exactly where I want it to be." Ham reasoned.

"Is that a fact?" The detective asked, already sure of the answer.

All he got from the pig on his chest was a lazy hum of approval, and it made Noir realize something. They were tired. The two of them had spent a good twenty minutes straight dancing, and had burned out the majority of their energy. Still, Noir wanted to end the night on a high note. He had a lot of songs he'd been meaning to introduce Ham to. What with his tastes in music surprisingly being from the same era he was from. What were the odds? 

Though, out of all the songs and all of the albums he could put on, there was one that stuck out in his mind. One song he'd been meaning to introduce him to. Noir set Ham down onto the table, to the others surprise.

"Oh, are we done?" He asked, looking a little unsure about being placed on the kitchen table.

"Not yet, wait right there." Noir urged, going to remove the current record.

He placed it back on the shelf, and began scanning for the record with that song. Noir found it soon enough and slid the vinyl out of it's sleeve, placing it on the table for the moment while he set up the record.

"The Nat King Cole Story...? Hey you cheater! This album says it came out in the sixties! Don't you know bringing back relics from the future will cause nothing but havoc and chaos in your universes' timeline?" Ham playfully chastised.

"Should have thought about that before letting me bring back a rubix cube." Noir replied smugly, shifting the blame.

He'd marked the spot on the album where the song started with one of Miles' markers, making it a little easier to skip ahead. It wasn't a perfectly aligned mark though, as the album began towards the end of The Christmas Song.

"-Although it's been said many times many ways-"

"Did you mean-"

"Just wait," Noir hushed, making his way over to Porker.

He took his hands. The next song hadn't started just yet, giving the two a little time.

"Heck of a night, huh Pete?" Ham began.

"It's been the best night. Thank you. Thank you for sharing it with me." The man sighed, relaxed in a way that felt so refreshingly new.

"You say that like it's a chore." The other remarked, in an almost reprimanding tone.

"It must be," The detective deduced, " to put up with someone like me."

"Oh yeah? And just who is, "someone like you" to you anyway?"

He hesitated before blurting,

"Someone just... I'm- nowhere near as vibrant as you."

Ham scoffed at that, and smiled.

"Funny," He said simply, "I was gonna say the same thing."

Something warm, a kaleidoscope of emotion stirred inside of Noir, making his insides feel like mush. He hadn't meant to put himself down and ruin the mood, but for once. Only just this once, it was worth it. 

"Time for the final dance. You ready?" Ham asked, looking up at him in a way that made him coil into a bundle of nerves.

Noir took a deep breath with his nose and let it out through his mouth.

"As ready as we'll ever be." Noir replied.

On the turntable, Nature Boy began to play. It was a very soft kind of song. After so long listening to loud and thumping music, it was soothing to switch to such a gentle sounding tune. 

"This is nice," Ham remarked, comfortably laying his head on Noir's chest.

"It is," The other agreed, not sure if he himself was talking about the music.

No one particular style was being moved to. They just lazily swayed back and forth along the table and floor. The two weren't really dancing anymore. Noir was fine with that.

"You know," Noir added, "this song reminds me of you."

"And how is that?" The toon inquired.

"Didn't you wander very far to come into my life?"

"So that's it, then?" Ham concluded, "I'll admit it, that's cute."

"No," Noir declared softly, " wait for the chorus Peter."

And they waited, gently swaying back and forth to the music. He wanted this. He wondered if that was okay. To want this. Noir wondered if there was a way he could ask. Or was it selfish to ask such a thing? He was finding it so much harder to care. He wanted to be selfish. To keep him.

"-The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and to be loved in return."

Ham looked up at him then. Noir simply smiled. 

"You taught me that," He whispered, pressing his head down on top of the others.

He embraced him, holding Ham close to himself as he stroked one hand to the back of his head.

"Oh for cryin' out loud!"

Ham suddenly pushed Noir back, looking beyond frustrated.

"W-wh-"

"I can't believe- I mean- And all this time I've been- but you were too- you were too! I thought- but back then it was crazy- NOW it's plausible!"

"P-Peter...?"

Was he... upset? Oh no. He'd pushed it too far. Made him uncomfortable. Now he was being properly rejected. He could see the frustration on the others face melt into a smile, but he was completely uncertain just how angry that meant Ham was.

"I'm sorry," Noir finally said, it was all he could think to do.

Ham was silent for a moment, he seemed to be mulling over just what to say to him, when he finally, confusingly of all things, slumped back into Noirs' arms.

"We've been making this difficult." Ham reiterated, holding his finger up as he spoke.

"If I did something wrong, just tell me. Don't make me lose you too."

Ham groaned into his sweater, grabbing the cloth he found there and burying his face into it.

"See, this. This right here! A classic misunderstanding. Because that's what we do. We get worked up. We can't talk like normal people. We freak out," As he said this, he flailed his arms over his head, "and then it's right back to deep gnawing secrecy!"

Now Noir was just... confounded. Though, whatever was going on with him he had to let the other know,

"Peter, I love you."

"Yeah, that's my problem. I love you." Ham admitted.

"I... love you, too." Noir restated.

"No, I love you." The other tried again.

"... and I love-"

"In."

Noir didn't speak.

"In love. Pete, I'm in love with you." He said, still buried in his sweater.

"It's okay," The other realized, muttering quietly to himself.

Ham slowly pulled himself out of Noirs chest.

"...Well at least you're not-"

Noir cut him off with a kiss. Ham seemed to freeze up, but only by a second. The toon was quickly drawn in and that tender sweet acceptance, that moment, felt like everything Noir had ever wanted. He placed his hands on the back of Hams' head, wanting to keep him just like this, for as long as he would let him. Though the reporter didn't seem to mind. He'd wrapped his arms around the detective leaving only the tip of his foot still on the table. Noirs' heart was racing as he began to realise that this feeling, swelling in his chest, had been there for awhile. Even before he knew he could have it, or understood it. He'd wanted more. Noir didn't know what that meant before. He was just glad he did now.

Above them, Noir could hear the familiar popping sound of bubbles. He wanted to keep in the moment. This kiss was real and warm and sweet. He was sure even color couldn't compare to this feeling, and yet. That popping sound, made him... sleepy. He looked up, despite wanting to focus on kissing Ham (because wow... he was heavenly), to see of all things, tiny little floating hearts.

Hearts! That bubble sound that's soothed him to sleep for so long. They were hearts! How cute. Wait. They've been hearts...!

Noir pulled back, looking guilty.

"Why ja- stop?' Ham inquired deliriously, an almost drunken smile on his lips.

"How long did you go without telling me?" Noir spoke, asking his own question.

"Huh...? Oh. Oh, you know. Only for just... half a year?" He admitted.

"These hearts have something to do with how you feel about me, and if that's the case..."

He wrapped Ham up into a tight embrace.

"then I am so very sorry. I should have noticed sooner."

"We are taking each other through the whole boardwalk with all these dramatic roller coaster rides, aren't we?" Ham joked, breaking the tension.

Noir laughed at that, and by god he needed it. It only encouraged him to hold Ham tighter, the technicolor toon returning the hug tenfold. The light mood found its way back, along with the popping bubbles of hearts. When they pulled back, Noir felt himself wobbling.

"You look like you're about to pass out." Ham announced.

"Your fault," Noir mumbled.

"So loving you is my fault now? I see how you are."

Noir ignored his sass and picked the small swine up like a pillow, tucking him under his arm as he headed toward his bedroom.

"Hey, just where do you get off pig-napping me! I'm not some stuffed toy!"

"-'m tired," The detective reasoned.

"Fine, I guess you can wrap me up in your big, strong, sexy, sculpted, arms all night long, but I'm not gonna like it." The toon poorly protested, folding his arms.

"Liar," Noir called out past a sleepy chuckle.

"You know, just because I'm lying doesn't make it not rude of you to call me out on it."

"I won't deny that," Noir accepted, "I'll make it up to you in the morning."

"You'd better," Ham tiredly proclaimed.

Noir planned on it. He had so much to make up for, and he wanted to give him everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow burn and I have quite the relationship. It destroys me from the inside out forcing an ADHD brain to crawl as I drag the remnants of my soul behind me and march onward to death, and when it gives me what I want I get a high that would put cocaine addicts to shame. And in return for my devotion, it tells me to wait some more. I say all this to reiterate that it is a very healthy relationship and definitely good for my continued health. D.B. Out! (P.S. Bessie Smith Is my Queen. Go listen to her. You won't regret it.)


	9. That Sweet Morning Fluff

Ahh... morning with the smell of cedar cologne, and Noirs' sweater was drenched in it. With absolutely no shame, one of Hams first boyfriend-right-of-passage things he'd done was steal Noirs (very much massive on him) sweater to sleep in. The reporter buried his face within the fabric, it was warm and plush to the touch, just like it was on the outside.

"That's it." Ham decided, "I live here now. I'm taking this sweater and there's nothing you can- Pete?"

Ham felt around the bed and found it empty. He would have thought he'd dreamt last night up if it weren't for the fact that he's never slept in Noirs' room before. Ham sat up in the bed, looking around the grey scaled bedroom. Here he was just waking up, and Noir was already up and at it?

"Well that's a first." The toon declared.

Now that he was looking for him, he noticed music playing in the other room. It wasn't too loud, but Bessie Smith could belt when she wanted to, and Ham could hear her distinct style of singing through the wall. He hopped off of the bed and trotted along to the door to take a peek. The sleeves of the sweater were just long enough to drag behind him ever so slightly as he walked, so Ham scooped them up to keep them off of the floor. From where he stood behind the door he could see Noir, busying himself in the kitchen.

"-Nobody knows my name, nobody knows what I've dooooone. I'm as good as any woman in your town." Noir sang in a deep sultry tone from the stove.

He'd forgotten how amazing Noirs' singing was. Ham sighed, as he watched. Hearts began to pop over his head, and for the first time since they'd started up, he didn't swat them away.

"Peter?" Noir called out as he turned around.

"Hey handsome." 

He'd wanted to sound confident and smooth, but it came out dopey and love struck. By this point, he really couldn't help it. Ham was in his house. He was wearing his sweater! Breakfast! They slept together! Not like that! But they would! Someday! When the mood was right and they were ready!

"You're awake," Noir noted, lining their plates with eggs.

"Yeah..."

"I'd wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed, but now that I think about it, I don't really have any trays or night stands to prop our plates with so the kitchen's a better idea anyway."

"Yeah..."

"I made eggs. I know it's just pork you want to avoid. Which is easy enough. I've been kosher for a few years now."

"Yeah..."

"I don't know why the other Peter insists on eating bacon."

"Yeah..."

"I mean, it's so... twisted. Gets under my skin."

"Yeah..."

"Is it a bit much that I just want to reach across the table and slap him?"

"Yeah..."

"You're right. I shouldn't be so aggressive. It's not like he's hurting you, because that would be a different story entirely."

"Yeah..."

"You're such a good listener, doll. I love you, so much."

Noir leaned down and kissed him on the forehead.

"You're my boyfriend."

"... That's been established, Porker." Noir agreed, smirking at him from his seat at the kitchen table.

"Shit, I said that out loud?" The technicolored pig realized.

As he said this he realized something else.

"You are really out of it to-"

"SHIT!"

Noir looked back at him with wide eyes, startled by the outburst.

"I-I-I can curse here. I can fucking curse here!" Ham declared triumphantly posing with his fists in the air.

Ham ran for the nearest window and stuck his head out.

"Good morning my neighbors!" Ham quoted.

Noir laughed, "What are-"

"Hey, fuck you!"

"Yes! Yes! Fuck you too!" He proudly declared, slamming the window back down.

The pig collected the sleeves of his sweater and made his way back to the table like it was a victory march.

"I'm going to go out on a limb and say whatever you were doing worked because of cartoon logic?" Noir guessed.

"Nope," Ham declared, taking a seat in front of a tasty looking plate of scrambled eggs.

"Then how did you know that guy was going to say what you wanted him to?" Noir questioned, sitting back down across from Ham.

"We live in New York, Pete. That's just how we say hello in Queens."

"Huh, I guess so." The detective agreed.

The two finally settled down to some breakfast. A cozy and content feeling washing over the excitement of the morning, back into it's lazy and tired origins. Once Ham had begun to relax, accepting everything that had led up to this point, he realized something. Nothing had really changed. They were just as touchy as they had been, teased each other just as much as they had been, and made each other laugh just as much as they had before.

That didn't mean that everything was the same, though. All throughout the morning, Noir would find any and every excuse to call him a pet name.

"Sorry, honey. I'm all out of milk. I'll have to get some more later today."

"I got this side completely blue, babe! It only took me five minutes this time."

"Hey sugar-lips, what do you think? Vest or no vest?"

It was seven A.M. in the morning. Ham wasn't sure he had the strength to walk with his weak knees. He was swooning hard, but needed to focus. The two were looking through Noirs' bedroom for suitable clothes, trying to get dressed for the day. As much as he loved this blanket of a sweater he needed a reasonable sweater to wear for the outside world, damn it. One with red polka dots. Now that was class. Scouring about, he finally managed to pry it from some lone forgotten corner in the room. 

"Finally, I was beginning to think I'd never find you again." He replied to the garment, giving it a kiss.

Noir sighed.

"What a shame. Getting to see you in my sweater has slowly become a need for me, darling."

Ham blushed madly at that.

"Stop saying sexy things to me in your bedroom before I do something about it!" Ham declared, pointing his finger towards the man.

"Would you?" The other teased.

Ham could feel a thumping in his chest and had to press his hands over it to keep his heart from completely leaping out.

"That's it!" Ham turned the other man around and pushed him out the door, "You can change out there."

Ham shut the door to emphasize his declaration.

"You know, when you said, "you'd do something about it" this isn't what I thought you had in mind." Noir replied from the other side.

 

"Well aren't I full of surprises." Ham retorted, as he replaced sweaters.

"I wouldn't say such sexy things if you weren't so cute, Peter." Noir defended from the door.

"Unfortunately for us, I think we've caught ourselves in a cycle."

He opened the door, back in his own sweater.

"You say sexy things. I get cute. I say cute things. You get sexy. For now, no one gets to win." Ham elaborated.

"We will, once we're ready." Noir reminded.

He placed his hand on Ham's cheek, brushing the skin he found there.

"Yeah, can't wait." The reporter admitted.

"For now, this is nice." The detective insisted, lifting up Hams' face and kissing his cheek.

Ham kept him leaning down, and went for his lips, tasting that mornings coffee there.

"So that's where the saying bittersweet comes from." Ham thought as he lingered on their kiss.

The prospect of mornings like this were becoming Hams' favorite aspect of their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. Did you say and ounce of fluff? Oopsy daisy! I think I just dumped the whole thing of seasoning into this one. Oops! (If you overdose, it isn't my fault. You agreed to this contract) D.B. Out!


	10. That's All Folks (Any other Ending Title Would be Illegal)

"Are you sure, they already know? I thought they would have at least said something by now."

The detective and the reporter were curled out on Mays' couch, back in Miles' dimension. It was another weekend with the family all gathered together. The two heroes had had just gone through a tiring and long day and were taking up to their new favorite past time; trying to juggle cuddling with puzzle solving and phone surfing. Though, Ham would argue that Noir had the better angle to fiddle with his rubix cube compared to himself replying to J.J.J.'s Tweeter as Spider-Ham.

"Oh come on, look at us," The toon insisted, "I'm laying down on top of you and I'm snuggled up to your face. They haven't said anything, so they already know."

"Well, alright. If you're sure." The monochrome man relented.

"Trust me. They're just trying to not to make a big deal about it. We're completely obvious."

 

***

 

"So you guys notice anything different with the Eddie and Rodger over there." Miles questioned, pointing his thumb at the two taking over the couch.

"I thought we were gonna call them Sam and Max?" Peni rebuked.

"That was a two to one vote for Roger Rabbit, Peni." Gwen reminded.

"Well I still say it's not fair, you two are coordinated. It's always two to one. If you'd let SP//dr vote it'd be fair."

"He just picks whatever you want." Miles said, still looking to Ham and Noir as if staring would tell him what he wanted to know.

"Isn't that what you do with Gwen?" Peni teased.

"What! No! I don't do that." He defended his voice gaining a little height as he glanced nervously between Peni and Gwen.

Gwen gave him a look as if to say, you've never done that? Right, but Miles stood his ground.

"I don't," He said again, in his normal voice.

"Well," Gwen started, "whether you do or don't that vote's been cast," Peni frowned, "and that's not what's important right now."

Peni looked over towards the two on the couch. Ham was sitting up to show Noir something on his screen. Whatever he'd shown him had the detective throw his head back into fit of laughter and when Noir said something afterward, Ham placed a kiss to the others forehead, and settled back down on top of him.

"Has Noir always laughed like that?" Peni asked, as the others followed her gaze.

"Yeah, he's definitely been laughing more." Gwen agreed.

"I don't know. Maybe it's that once in a blue moon sort of thing." Miles offered, studying the pair.

Ham was loudly going into detail about a conversation with J.J.J. he was having and how he couldn't wait to see the look on his face when he'd brought something or other up while he was at work.

"You're gonna knock him dead with that one, honey-ham."

"Something's up with them. I know it." Gwen proclaimed, eyeing them suspiciously.

"Maybe we should stake em' out? See if they do anything different when we're not around." Peni suggested, chewing at her thumb nail.

"We don't have anything better to do today." Miles stated, glancing at the infomercial on the T.V..

"Then let's do it!" Gwen declared, placing her hand in the middle of their small circle, "Spidey style."

"Spidey style!" Peni and Miles agreed, placing their hands on top.

SP//er chirped happily and placed his hand on top as well. They had a job to do. It was time to suit up.

 

***

Gwen crawled about quietly from her place on the ceiling. Listening in on the conversation in the kitchen below.

"-so I told em', "Look pal, if no one's gonna be frank with him I'll just have to spill the beans myself." and then he had the gall to-"

So far, nothing seemed out of place.

 

***

 

Miles followed the two when they sat up on the rooftop while camouflaged from view. If they were up to something, they'd slip up about it here.

"It sure is a nice day today," Noir remarked with a fond sigh.

"You know, you've been saying that for the past couple of days handsome." Ham remarked.

"'Cause you've been there." The detective murmured happily.

"Gah- Pete that's so corny." The technicolor pig chided with a wide smile, burying his face into his hands.

Little hearts began to pop over the toons head.

"Sorry, sorry." The other petaled back, scooping Ham up into his arms.

Noir held onto the reporter and laid his head down on top of his. Miles' sighed, feeling a bit disappointed. It was nothing he hadn't seen before.

 

***

 

Peni hid in the broom closet, with SP//dr trying his best to fit in the tiny space, having to shuffle and twist to fit.

"Shoosh! They'll hear us!" Peni cautioned, placing her hand on SP//drs' visor and patting the screen.

"-seen the kids all day. I wonder where they've gone off to." Noir questioned, as he walked to the living room.

"Yeah. I wonder." Ham spoke, looking right towards the closet Peni was staked out in.

She stilled, placing her hands over her mouth to make herself as quiet as possible. Stealth was not her expertise and if she was the one that got caught she'd never live it down. He kept his gaze fixed on the closet and it was long enough to catch the others attention.

"Uh, what are you lookin' at?" The detective questioned, turning his focus towards the door.

As Noir began to stride over, Peni thinking this was it he gig was up, Ham pulled him back.

"Whoa there stud muffin, got something on your face."

"Huh, I don't-"

Noir was pulled down into an over the top kiss. Ham pulled back with a smirk.

"It was me." He announced, proudly.

A dark tone of grey coated the monochrome mans' face as he smiled.

"And I'm corny." Noir teased.

"It was sweet I liked it." Ham began, "I just get worked up, that's all. You know me." 

"That I do." He affirmed.

"On the one hand", Peni thought as they were walking away, "I didn't get caught. On the other... I got nothing."

 

***

 

"Augh, this is hopeless!" Gwen declared a little half heartedly as she read her phone.

"I think we just want them to be doing something 'cause we're bored. I haven't seen anything happening that they don't normally do." Miles proposed from his position upside down on the recliner, playing Mario Kart.

"Yeah, if they're running a secret underground lab with shark tanks and world domination in mind, I'm apparently not seeing it." Peni admitted, glossing over an issue of Food Wars.

"That's because you guys are making it too obvious."

The three jumped in surprise as Peter B. hopped over the couch, splaying out on the free space Gwen wasn't taking up.

"Why'd you sneak up like that?" Peni scoffed.

"Trying to prove a point." He emphasized, "Now look, you wanna catch them doing something a they're trying to do in secret right."

The three nodded.

"Then you gotta wait till it gets dark. That's when people get comfortable. Start letting down they're guard. Those two like to ho- steal. I meant steal." Peter B. corrected himself refusing to fall victim to anymore pig puns, " steal the couch for themselves when it gets dark. If they're hiding something, that's when they'd spill it."

Miles' Gwen and Peni shared a look, the three deciding their next move.

"Hey, I'm not saying you should spy on your friends. All I'm saying is that if you're gonna do it, the kitchen is a good vantage point."

One more time couldn't hurt. Right?

 

***

 

He'd had it just about up to here with those kids. What the hell were they up to? Every time the reported went scoping about for them, Noir seemed to draw him back in. It wasn't like he was trying to brush his boyfriend off but the silence was nagging him.

"Babe, you're going off track again." Noir spoke, not even having to look up from his game of Tetris.

"I didn't say anything." Ham said, anxiously wondering if he had.

"You're thinking loud." The detective replied.

"Maybe." He admitted.

Noir hummed in response, placing the game boy down to instead rub tiny soothing circles along Hams' back. The tension in the reporter died almost instantly. So they had been spied on for the better half of a day. Who cared. He'd deal with those brats tomorrow. This, right now, was nice. 

Noir lifted up his head, placing the sweetest of kisses on the lips he found there. He was always so gentle in the way he kissed the technicolor toon, like he was handling fine China. Ham supposed one of them needed to be the gentle kisser, it was just that he got excited. He'd learn to calm down and appreciate it like Noir did once he got use to it. Though he wasn't sure he'd ever get use to this.

"Well that wasn't what I thought the big secret was gonna be but okay." Came a voice from the kitchen, "I admit, I wasn't thinking it was that."

Ham shot up.

"What the-"

The light in the kitchen flipped on as Peni, Gwen and Miles' looked on in shock.

"Peter!" Gwen chastised, smacking his chest with her hand.

"What the @%$& are you guys doing standing in the dark? You bunch of weirdos!"

"So this is a thing?" Peter B. sidelined, "You two. Together?"

Ham was baffled. They actually didn't know?

"I was right," Noir happily pointed out.

The reporter was caught completely dumbfounded as he realized what had happened. They had normalized it. Their flirting, their teasing, their touching. They had normalized their growing relationship so much that even kissing had been normalized. Well, except when Noir kissed him just now apparently.

"Hey, wait a minute!"

"I've kissed him!" The toon proclaimed, "Multiple times!"

"But you're a cartoon pig. Cartoon pigs do that." Peter B. reasoned.

"He is the only person here I have ever kissed." Ham argued.

"Yeah, we get what you're saying," Miles began, "... but when he did it-"

"Augh- You see what I have to put up with, Pete. No respect."

"I told you we should have told them." Noir insisted, hugging the other tightly.

He didn't seem to care, and was just cradling the reporter like a plushie.

"Well, how'd it start?" Gwen asked, sitting at one of the spare recliners.

"Yeah Spider-Dad," Peni prodded, scooching into the same recliner as Gwen, "Tell us the story!"

"Actually, I think Peter could tell it better." Noir admitted, "He knew before I did."

Miles took residence on the other recliner, seating himself comfortably with his legs hanging over the arm of the chair.

"This I gotta hear," He stated, leaning forward in the recliner.

Peter B., realizing the other seats were occupied, made himself a make shift seat of webbing along the corner of the wall.

"Knowing how dumb I can be about relationships, I know exactly why it took this long for two Peters to get together, but do tell."

"That's your cue, doll." Noir spoke, addressing his significant other.

"Alright already! Sheesh, " Ham playfully groaned, prying himself away from the plush sweater, "you guys are pushy."

Ham sat up to find a room full of curious eyes on him. As he was freezing up and about to crack a joke to ease the tension, Noir sat up with him and plopped the reporter down on his lap. Holding him in that way he did, making him feel, well, loved.

"Okay, so it was about half a year ago and I get this message on my phone to meet up with Pete. I go thinking there's danger when little did I know, he just wanted to hang out. We do. It's great. And he asks if we could do it again. And we did. Then again and we did. And then again and again until it became a regular thing. And that's how it started. After that-"

Ham recounted their story. He told of the highs. Went over the lows. The anxiety, and stress. Along with all the love that had been shared. Noir interjected to tell his side of the story when it was relevant, and both he and Ham laughed at how naive the detective had been. Their spider family listened. They laughed, and cried, and when it was over they had gathered in a massive group to share a rare group hug. Peter B. tried to walk away but was thwiped into the moment by Gwen and Miles. He was reluctant, but it was only for show.

The group broke apart, and it was like the tension had completely faded away. As everyone fell off into smaller groups to talk, the toon was left to himself for a moment. To be honest, Ham didn't really know whether or not the rest knew. He just hadn't wanted to say anything right away because... he was still nervous. That phrase. The phrase he'd heard almost seven months ago still managed to rummage in his head, and he'd worried there'd been some truth to it. Maybe there was, but for the first time; he didn't mind.

"So this is a thing." Peter B. stated.

Ham smiled up at his significant other, as he talked with the others. There wasn't a doubt in his mind.

"We're basically canon." 

 

Fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That concludes our story. Would you believe that the first six chapters of this got done over the course of a 24 hour long standoff? I could smell numbers after that experience my friends. I would not recommend it. The rest took me an extra two weeks. I'm posting it all in one go to save myself the trouble and it is currently 1:50 A.M. in the morning. I have work... But I couldn't sleep until this damned thing was posted. Comments are very much appreciated, but I don't mind if you don't. It's been a time. A good one. D.B. Out!


End file.
